cry/babies

I spent yesterday feeling sort of hungover.

From crying.

In order to explain the crying, I have to first say that I spent at least an hour snuggling my friend Kat‘s adorable, sleeping newborn on Saturday. It was divine. She nestled and nuzzled and made tiny bird noises and drooled all over my chest. I was in heaven.

And then, when we were going to bed and I was telling Jon about it, I suddenly started sobbing about how I’m never going to get to do that sort of thing with my babies because there will always be another one with needs and wants and OH MY GOD HOW DO I EVEN HOLD TWO BABIES AND HOW WILL THEY FIT IN OUR HOUSE AND WHY CAN’T WE JUST BE NORMAL PEOPLE WHO HAVE ONE BABY AT A TIME WE DIDN’T ASK FOR TWINS THIS IS TERRIBLE.

I cried so hard I literally couldn’t breathe, and then I cried harder because I can’t take any sinus medication. Jon stroked my hair and held me and handed me tissues and eventually I fell asleep, only to have another crying jag the next day when we started doing the great bedroom switcheroo to make what was the guest room into our bedroom and what was our bedroom into the babies room. I think the crying trigger that time was that we don’t have enough closets which became me not having enough arms for two babies which became me feeling insane which became me fearing that having two babies is really going to send me around the bend.

I think the twinshock has worn off, and twin reality is setting in. We’re undertaking a major life change. And while most of the time, when your life suddenly and completely changes, you don’t really see it coming until it’s in the rear view mirror, this change is looming up ahead like a mountain we have to climb, behind which is another mountain, and another. Add to this utter unknown the fact that I’m hopped up on literally double the hormones of the average pregnant woman, and you’ve got a perfect storm for lots of tears.

It’s not that I don’t think the babies are a blessing. I DO. It’s not that we’re not thrilled. WE ARE. But I think we’d also have to be in some sort of deep denial to not also be a little bit terrified, and we’d have to be blind not to realize that our entire lives are changing, and it’s OK to mourn that change a little bit. We’re processing some major stuff.

Will this be hard? Of course. Will there be a lot more crying in our future? Of course. Will we survive? Yes. Will there be a whole lot of joy and cuteness too? Yep.

So while I may feel a tiny bit guilty for being actually angry and sad about this whole twins thing (along with excited, happy, blessed), I’m trying not to beat myself up over these feelings, but instead, just to feel them. It’s a process. As I learned from my beloved Mr. Rogers:

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”

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11 thoughts on “cry/babies

  1. I have always said that hard and bad are not the same thing. Having kids is hard. Having two at the same time has to be even harder. Doesn’t mean you think it is bad. You will have enough arms somehow and when you don’t you will have Elmo or Dora or Mr. Rogers to help you out.

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  2. Oh Sarah, thank you so much for sharing so transparently. I’ve never been pregnant and am not a mother so I cannot relate to this particular situation, but my heart goes out to you. Much love.

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  3. Just know that everything changes every moment of every day. Of course your hormones are driving you crazy. Nothing out of the ordinary there. But it will all work out. It’s so special that your are willing to share your feeling us, your virtual friends.

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  4. You’re fine. Everything is OK. You have everything you need right now.

    Nothing you are going through is outside the normal parameters of being pregnant, and you and Jon are going to be terrific parents.

    There will be times that it’s hard, but it’s a good kind of hard. And so rewarding.

    And as a bonus, once you get past the first couple of months, the twins will have each other as entertainment. You might not realize it – not starting with a single child – but there are a lot of ways that two kids are easier than one.

    Three is another story entirely, but you don’t have to deal with that.

    Yet.

    xoxox

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  5. I had a meltdown over an ice cream sandwich while I was pregnant. I can only imagine how I would have been with twins.

    It’s going to be OK. It really is. And you will love those babies more than you ever thought possible. You will do things you never thought possible (like holding two babies at once or watching your kid throw up and not puking right back at them — not that this happened to me this weekend or anything …).

    I think you know this, but it’s tough when your hormones are sort of getting the best of you. Just keep reminding yourself that it’s going. to be. OK.

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  6. This is going to sound a bit mean, but think for a moment about the kids that are born to parents that shouldn’t be capable of being parents at all. Somehow, those kids survive. Those parents survive. When I was pregnant, I spent more than one moment watching my cousin that became a mom at 19 and ended up on her own with her son. She’s an awesome mom! And if she can be an awesome mom, well, how could you and I be anything but an awesome mom? Twins are a huge challenge, but the fact that you’re capable enough to see that from here means you are extraordinarily able to meet the challenge and raise some fantastic kids.

    That and the fact that you are about to be humbled into taking every offer of help that comes your way. People will offer. And you will say yes and put those people to work. ;)

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  7. I got really depressed the other day about my baby too, and I know exactly how frustrating it is to get moody and start feeling these feelings that are so counter to the jubilation pregnancy suggests. I really hate the ambivalence sometimes. It’s not fun to manage at all.

    Hang in there. Hugs! :)

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  8. A friend of mine (she just turned 21) found out she was pregnant a year ago with twins. Her and her boyfriend weren’t sure how they were going to handle it but then they had the girls and they are the most beautiful children ever. She said it is not easy but there is so much blessing and joy that follows the hard times..

    ..think of it this way, you will be doubly blessed :)

    Sending love from Australia!

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  9. I love everything about this post. (Uh… starting with the NK picture. HA!) I wish I had read it earlier than 9 pm so I could come bring you some coffee or tea. I cried often during pregnancy (particularly the last month) and just know that all the feelings you’re having are valid. I still find parenting terrifying on a daily basis. :)

    You and Jon are going to be fantastic.

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  10. My third child was 3 months old when I found out I was pregnant with number 4. A bundle of emotions, I didn’t tell anyone, not even my husband. If I didn’t speak it out loud, it wouldn’t be so. Finally, my husband figured it out, let me know it was going to be ok, after my melt down.

    You’ll have more crying days, for sure. Take a deep breath, and know you’ll do just fine.

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