germ theory

Image via Flickr user Esparta.
Image via Flickr user Esparta.

I work at a public university, and if there’s anything possibly spreading faster than swine flu around here, it’s swine flu HYSTERIA.  I receive at least one email memo per day about H1N1.  Hand sanitizer dispensers have popped up on campus everywhere I turn.  Signs are posted in the bathrooms warning us to wash our hands and not touch our faces and stay home if we feel sick.  Academic Affairs has been flipping out about revising the attendance policies because of the rash of H1N1 sufferers. The student paper seems to be doing an ongoing series wherein they update us with the total number of confirmed cases in large font headline on the front page each week.

And as the toll of the infected climbs higher and higher, I can’t help but feel like we’re postponing the inevitable.  It’s like I’m just sitting here in my office, waiting for a typhoid Mary to come in and deliver the sickness.

And it got me to thinking… maybe they should just lock us all, sick or not, in the gym until everyone is sick.  Then they could close campus for a week, let everyone get it over with, and then we could all get on with our lives.

Now, this plan might be entirely insane, and I am NOT a medical professional or epidemiologist or anything of the sort.  But to me it makes a certain amount of sense– I am more and more convinced that by the time our doses of the vaccine arrive, half the campus will already be sick.

In the meantime, I use the sanitizer whenever I walk past it, and I’m planning to get the vaccine if I can.

you’re on a boat? JERK

So, not having TV, and not particularly caring, I missed the newest offering from the dudes who brought us “Dick in a

You got your flippy floppies? I want to SLAPPY SLAPPY.
You got your flippy floppies? I want to SLAPPY SLAPPY. Or maybe STABBY STABBY.

Box” and “Jizz in my Pants.”  Apparently it’s called “I’m on a Boat.”  Apparently their song titles only ever have four words?  Anyway, I just watched it, and I have new reason to hate it after this morning.  First, watch the video here (they’re jerks and won’t let me embed it directly into my post, also, language warnings for readers prone to the vapors).

They sing:

I got my swim trunks, and my flippy-floppies, you at Kinkos straight flippin’ copies.

Only for me it’s more like:

You got your swim trunks, and your flippy-floppies? I’m on tha bus, straight flippin’ you off.

One of the problems of living in a coastal tourist town is that I have to cross a river to get to work. And that river is connected to the ocean. And that river is full of marinas where rich folks keep their yachts. And on some mornings, those rich folks make hundreds of people late to work because the bridge has to be opened up for them to take their boats out to sea. That’s what happened this morning.

First, I missed my usual bus.  No big deal, I’ll only be about 15 minutes late if I take the next one, and no one at the office really cares if I don’t arrive straight up at 9.  That was until some m*****f***** on a boat, as the song goes, some Andy Samberg wannabe, decided it was time to be “straight flowin on a boat on the deep blue sea.”  We had no choice but to look at the m******f****** boat, because all traffic came to a complete standstill in the middle of RUSH HOUR.

This wouldn’t have been so bad had the bridge not gotten stuck in the open position.  So by the time the JERKS on the BOAT were “bustin 5 knots” we were decidedly NOT moving.  We sat there, on the bus, for 45 minutes.  Just sitting, probably all getting infected with Swine Flu thanks to the three folks sneezing their heads off (gee thanks, Joe Biden, for making me paranoid about riding the bus!).  By the time we finally got moving again, I ended up an hour late to work.

Seems like they shouldn’t be allowed to open the bridge except between 10 and 3, and after 6.  Then, no one would be late going or coming from work just so T-Pain can f*** a mermaid.